


How To Treat A Lady

by WizardsGirl



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Bilbo, Crack-ish-yet-serious, DAMNIT THREE AM STORIES UGH, Even if Dwarrows and one Wizard didn't know said lady WAS a Lady, Female Trolls (Trolla), Gen, I think?, Mischeivous Bilbo, Oops I broke Cannon, They do now, Trolls - Freeform, Trolls know how to properly treat a lady, also, fem!Bilbo, not even sorry, oh well, wut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 11:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WizardsGirl/pseuds/WizardsGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One should never underestimate the intelligence of their enemy. Even if said enemy is a trio of trolls...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Trolls are more observant than 13 Dwarrows and one Wizard

**Author's Note:**

> Another crack-ish fic that randomly came to me, enjoy!

Briar Baggins had thought that this quest would be worth the uncomfortable trip. That the outcome would make up for the horrible sleeping arrangements, the distinct lack of good food, and the horrible attitude of the King of Brooding otherwise known as Thorin Oakensheild.

It was even worth being saddle-sore and having to ride a pony. Mostly because she found definite amusement in the fact that everyone in the company,  _including_  their Wizard, Gandalf, all thought she was a male. It was a prank that would beat out all of her Took cousins pranks, that was for sure, if she could somehow manage to keep it up all the way to Erebor. If not, than she would have to try and keep them from finding out in some horribly embarrassing way.

It  _did_  have it's downsides, however. Like Fílí and Kílí being comfortable enough with the thought of her being male, to send her into the camp of three hungry Mountain Trolls, to save the four Company ponies that had been stolen for their meal. Thank goodness she had her mother's pocketknife in her boot! She was not at all comfortable with the idea of trying to steal the youngest Troll's (Tom, was it? Strange name, that...) sword...

Unfortunately, she hadn't accounted for what she would do  _after_  stealing back their ponies, nor had she accounted for the rest of the Company to charge in to "rescue" her... Or to be threatened with dismemberment if they didn't immediately surrender.

Now, here they all were, half of the Company trussed up in sacks like particularly rambunctious potatoes, and the rest tied to a stick to be slow roasted. She huffed and struggled a bit, carefully scooting away from Thorin and his poisonous glares, and getting the attentions of Tom Huggins. Immediately, he scooped up her bag by the bottom, making her squeak and struggle, eyes wide.

"Wot abou' this'un, then?" He whined, voice nazily from his cold, to his older brothers, who were slowly turning the stick over the fires.

"Wot abou' it?" Burt, the second-oldest and most belligerent of the three from what Briar had discovered, grunted, scowling at her.

"Can I eat it?!" Tom demanded, hopefully lifting Briar into the air and licking his lips. "It's not tha' big! It won't ruin my dinner or nothin', Bill! Please?" The eldest of the brothers huffed in annoyance, wiping his hands on his dirty and faintly blood-smeared apron, before turning considering eyes on Briar, who gave him a huge, pleading look. He frowned after a moment, and then his beading, greenish-yellow eyes widened.

"PU' 'ER DOWN RIGH' NOW, THOMAS HUGGINS!" He bellowed, lunging forward to catch Briar as Tom immediately obeyed, more out of shock than anything, and then proceeded to laugh as Bill smacked him harshly upside the back of the head. "Mam would 'ave our 'eads, treatin' a proper lady like food! Shame on you, and the res' o' us as well!" He expertly used his filleting knife to cut Briar free, so she was sitting neatly in the palm of his huge, deep gray hand, eyes huge with confused relief. "Terribly sorry 'bout tha', Miss!" Bill apologized anxiously, sending a glare to his still whining younger brother, and another to the scowling form of Burt. "Our Mam taugh' us bett'r'en tha'. Da would've skinned us, too, knowin' 'im," he added, which shut Tom right up. Briar coughed delicately into her hand, a little flustered and relieved like never before for being born female.

"Ah, that, um, that's quite alright, Master Huggins," Briar said, ignoring the disbelieving and horrified looks on the Companies faces as she fixed her mussed clothes. Bill bushed a dark purplish gray and scratched his bald head.

"Ah, none o' tha', now, Miss," he told her, smiling with his gray, tombstone-shaped teeth. "William's fine, or Bill. Tha's wot ev'ry'ne else calls me, a'least." He shrugged uncertainly, and Burt finally gave an irritated snarl at having to turn the Dwarrows himself, lifting the stick from the fire and setting it aside.

"Mayhaps you could talk ta 'er later, Bill," Burt growled at him. "When we've no Dwarves ta cook a'fore dawn comes?! I've naught eaten yet, and neither 'as Tom, or you, I migh' add!" Bill sent his younger brothers a stern look, though sheepishness edged it.

"Ah, aye, Burt, but..." He glanced to the sky, and hesitated, calculating what time he had left.

"Perhaps we could come to an arrangement?" Briar offered; the Huggins Brothers looked at her, Tom and Burt moving slightly closer. "You see, I'm on my way to the Kingdom of Erebor on a request of a dear friend of my departed mother, and the Dwarrows you plan to eat are my guards and companions, due to the highly dangerous nature of our travels," she informed them earnestly, eyes as big and innocent and sincere as she could make them when staring up into the broad, mismatched faces of the Trolls. "As a lady, and such a small one as well, I'm in constant danger of being attacked or worse, and with all the Orcs and Goblins in the Misty Mountains taht would look at me and think to do such awful things, I really do need them all," she told them sorrowfully, playing up to them with her delicate looks and tiny stature, made even worse by the large, round forms of the Trolls. The three of them made sounds of equal distress and indignation, Burt cursing about the disgusting Goblins and Orcs that had often stolen their food.

"Perhaps, if you'd be so kind as to release them, we could spare a pony in exchange, or," she quickly added after a sudden moment of inspiration, "or, the three of you could accompany us through the mountains!" The four of them ignored the shouts and curses of the Dwarrows easily enough, as the Trolls were used to sounds like that from meals, and Briar had more important things to worry about than indignation and denile from the fools who had gotten themselves into this mess, anyways. "I mean, the three of you are fine, strapping young Trolls, already so much bigger and stronger than any Orc or Goblin, I bet you could kill scores of them without even tiring, unlike my Company! And this way I would feel most safe at night, and have someone to talk to when I can't sleep, and the Company would guard me in the day! What do you think, boys? Will you help me?" She asked, unashamedly turning the large, watery puppy-eyes her father and mother had both bemoaned when she was younger, and a skill she had kept thus far in her adulthood. Bill and Tom immediately caved, though Burt took several moments on indecision, before grunting an affirmative. The three Trolls left for their trellwarren, as the sun was getting dangerously high, and told Briar they would see her the next night, and not to worry, they'd be on their best behavior if the Dwarrows were. As soon as they disappeared, Gandalf appeared, smiling at Briar and chuckling.

"Just like your Mother," he told her affectionately. "Making the strangest of friends at the oddest of times, my dear!" He chuckled again, even as Briar gave him an exasperated look while the two of them began to untie the angry Dwarrows.

"Like Wizards who are always late?" she said sarcastically; Gandalf scoffed.

"Wizards are never  _late_ , Briar Baggins! We always appear just when we're meant to, and that is all!" Briar huffed and rolled her eyes, before turning to face her Company with a resigned sigh.

So much for her prank, but she supposed it was for the best, really.

Though Thorin trying to demand she be sent home 'to tend her flowers and cleaning like a proper woman' got him a vicious smack across the face and a knee to the groin, which she was allowed to do, now that they wouldn't complain about it if she had been a lad.

It felt very good, as well, even if her knee and palm both ached later as she lay in her bedroll near Gandalf, for the few hours the Company would rest that morning.

They had an adventure to continue, after all, with three new members that would bolster their night-watches much better.


	2. Troll Are More Complicated Than You Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Dwalin is suspicious, Burt is grumpy, Bill is sentimental, Tom likes having someone to talk to, and Briar learns more about Trolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yep, wrote more for this, because I love the Troll Brothers.
> 
> Calling Female Trolls, Trollas, because reasons.

Briar is very pleased with her three new "Bodyguards". Not  _only_  do they not mind talking with her at night, when she can't sleep from either the weather, the ground, or her Dwarf companions snoring, but they're very happy to! She learns so much in their conversations, as well, even if her new friends can be a bit difficult to understand, with their accents and everything, but they're informative all the same.

"Mam won Da in a figh', ya know," Tom told her eagerly as she perched on his knee, watching him twiddle his large thumbs as Bill and Burt made dinner for the three of them (a few unlucky Warg scouts had been caught by the violent-minded middle-brother, which had earned the Trolls some immediate friendliness from The Company as it were). "Tha's 'ow we Trolls get married, ya know! Our women are bigger'n meaner than us lads, and Mam was the biggest we've ever seen!" All three of them preened proudly at this. Size, Briar had quickly learned, mattered to Trolls like beards mattered to Dwarves. The bigger you were, the more appealing. Burt was, apparently, considered the most handsome of the three Huggins Brothers, due to both his larger size and his violent tendencies ("Shows 'e can give a Trolla wot she wants an' get 'imself out alive, yeah?!" Tom had giggled, getting a swat from Bill and a scolding for speaking so crudely in front of a Lady).

"She's a beaut', our Mam," Burt agreed from where he was neatly and efficiently skinning a Warg, the pelts of the three others he'd already skinned off to the side, to be made into new clothes for the Huggins for the colder mountains.

"An' Da is so much smaller then she is," Tom added with an almost disbelieving yet awed look. "Ya know, 'e's smaller'n I am!"

"Skinnier too!" Burt barked out with a laugh.

"Oi, leave Tom alone, ya great-!" Bill broke off and shot Briar an embarrassed look, muttering an apology for almost cursing and earning himself a warm, amused smile. Dwalin, who was on night-watch at the moment, snorted as he carefully sharpened his axes off to the side. The Trolls ignored him, though Briar sent him a small glare and frown, before re-focusing on her new friends.

"Well," Tom continued, happy to have someone actually listen to him as he talked, quickly blowing his nose in his handkerchief. "Da an' a few other Trolls, they wan' ta court Mam, ya see, so, they go up ta 'er trellwarren, an' call 'er out, an' Mam, well, Mam came outta 'er cave, club-an-all, and thrashed 'em all but good, ya?!" Tom grinned, excited, and snorted up a trail of mucus as it tried to drip past his lip, making Briar bite back a wince (she would never get used to either the smell or lack of hygiene in her Trolls, but then again, they treated her nicer than a few of her Dwarrows did, so  _that_  was something, at least!).

"Well, all these Trolls, yeah, scurried abou', those tha' di'n't die, a'least, and 'ere's Da, all small an' skinny, and he slips righ' under Mam's club and knocks 'er legs righ' ou' from un'er 'er!" As Tom got more excited, his speech suffered, but Briar puzzled out his next few words as he continued. apparently, after knocking the Trolla down, the Huggins father had snatched her club right out of her hands, knocked whatever remaining competition there was off the mountain itself, and then handed her back her club and opened his arms, offering himself to the Trolla. Well, their mother had been so impressed that such a tiny Troll could disarm her and steal her weapon, she'd bashed him over the head and dragged him into her trellwarren, where she proceeded to use him to her hearts content, and then give him a piece of her Hoard, which was received enthusiastically. Their father had then given her a piece of  _his_  Hoard, and then the two of them slowly combined their Hoard's after Bill had been born, a sign that they were a mated pair to any Troll that happened upon them.

"I remember tha' day," Bill announced, and sniffled as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Mam looked beau'iful, wi' 'er bone necklace an' club and Goblin-skin dress. Burt was jus' a wee babe, then, an Tom would'na even been more'n a glin' in Da's eye!" He chuckled and went back to stirring his large pot, humming lowly in happiness. Tom flushed a dark purplish gray, and rubbed his nose with his handkerchief as Burt grunted and continued working.

"Your parents sound like wonderful Trolls," Briar commented simply, smiling; Tom brightened up, puffing his chest out proudly while Burt and Bill nodded easily. Tom immediately launched into another tale, about how their father had once killed thirty-nine Goblins with his bare hands, just so their mother could have a new dress after her old one had been stained by Orc blood. By the end of this one, Briar was finally tired enough to go to bed, thanking her friends politely for indulging her with tales and company, which earned happy smiles from Bill and Tom, and a small scowl and glare from Burt (which incited a swat from Bill, which got a punch from Burt, which knocked Bill into Tom, who shoved him away, and soon a small brawl was once more started between the three brothers, as they were want to do whenever Briar wasn't about, because it was Improper to fight so around a Lady, especially one so small and delicate!). Briar shook her head fondly, and trotted back to camp, Dwalin heaving himself to his feet and following her.

"I don't care for those beasts," Dwalin growled, glancing behind him with a paranoid, unhappy scowl. "Trolls can't be trusted." Briar rolled her eyes with a sigh.

"Those boys seem perfectly fine to me, Mister Dwalin," she told him primly, before sliding a look towards him. "After all, they have yet to insult me, belittle me, or throw my belongings about whilst singing about how much I hate it," she told him, grinning when a red flush worked its way up the sides of his bald head. Dwalin snarled as he caught her grin, and stalked off, kicking Nori in order to wake the Dwarf for his shift, much to the thief's annoyance. Briar merely shook her head in exasperated fondness and padded over to her bedroll on her large, silent feet.

_Yavanna save me from the stubbornness of Dwarrows,_  she thought to herself, as she closed her eyes and drifted to sleep, to the sounds of the snoring Company, the crackling fire, and the distant bellows and cries of rough-housing Trolls.


	3. Trolls Like Lullabies Too, You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Briar is Nostalgic and sings a lullaby

"I dun li' this," Burt growled as he looked warily around the large hallways of the Elvish Kingdom of Rivendell. "Dun li' Elves, an' they dun li' us. Should'a just kept ou'side, where we belong."

"Oh, shu'it, you!" Bill snapped, irritated by his brothers complaints as he was carefully sewing a new loincloth for Tom, who was gleefully wiggling his feet in the pond that rested in a nearby courtyard, having decided that the garden was a better place to sit than inside the halls. Briar sat on a bench nearby with Ori, the both of them talking softly as the young Dwarf knitted and the Hobbit mended some of her clothes. Burt growled, irritated, but settled under the narrowed greenish-yellow eyes of his older brother. Briar shook her head, smiling slightly at the antics of the Huggins Brothers, before focusing once more on her mending, unconsciously beginning to hum.

"Tha's pri'ee, Miss Bria'," Tom declared, laying back so his head was in the doorway, large ears twitching curiously as his bluish-gray, bulging eyes focused on her. Briar blinked, and then translated the youngest Huggins' brothers words into 'that's pretty, Miss Briar' and smiled at the lad (for, despite his size, he was barely into his Tween years by her accounts, while Burt had just reached the end of his, and Bill was only a little ways beyond.).

"It's an old lullaby my Mother used to sing to me," she informed him; his ears wiggled again, eyes widening as he rolled onto his stomach and set his head on his arms, looking at her earnestly with his deformed face, just as many a fauntling had looked to her for stories over the years.

"Sing it, please, Miss Bria'! Please?!" He begged hopefully; Briar smiled while Ori giggled softly behind her, hiding his face in his knitting but peering at her with hopeful curiosity as well.

"I don't see why not," she admitted, and settled back to remember the words.

**(A/N:** I made up this song **)**

_"Shut your eyes,_

_Turn your head_

_Don't lay awake_

_Here in your bed_

_For the moon is high_

_The sun sleeps deep_

_The stars they shine_

_And you must sleep_

_The dreams do come_

_So sweet and nice_

_So bright and pretty_

_They fill your night_

_For the moon is high_

_The sun sleeps deep_

_The Stars they shine_

_And you must sleep_

_I know it's hard_

_To look away_

_From the stars above_

_While here you lay_

_But the moon is high_

_The sun sleeps deep_

_The Stars they shine_

_And you must sleep_

_You'll wake tomorrow_

_When the Sun is high_

_To greet the flowers_

_And the bright blue sky_

_For no clouds_

_Can change your day_

_But here and now_

_The night lays claim_

_For the moon is high_

_The sun sleeps deep_

_The Stars they shine_

_And you must sleep."_

Briar's voice gently trailed off, the last, soothingly low note drifting on the air to dissipate slowly. Bill and Burt had joined their younger brother in listening, the three of them leaning in close, eyes wide and focused on the little Hobbit as she sang. Ori was curled into her side, eyes closed as he listened, and Briar had gently combed her fingers through his hair as she sang. Kílí and Fílí, as well as the two elf-twins they'd been having a prank war with all day, were peering around a nearby corner, as the corridor had sent Briars gentle alto tones drifting and echoing clearly down towards them.

"Tha' was Beau'iful, Miss Briar," Bill said in a deep, hushed voice, before sniffling and wiping a tear from his eye.

"Twas," Burt admitted with a gruff grumble, sitting back up and hurriedly turning so his back was to them.

"Can you sing it ta us when we go ta bed in the morning?" Tom asked hopefully; Briar sent the young Troll a smile.

"Perhaps if I get woken up before then," she told him kindly; Ori yawned, which made her yawn as well, laughing softly as the young Dwarf blushed and scrambled up with a muttered apology. She patted him on the head, and shooed him towards the Royal Twins (Both sets, as it were).

"We need to go to bed, anyways," she consoled him, saying goodnight to the Huggins Brothers as they started away.

"Nigh', Miss Bria!" Tom called happily.

"G'night, Miss Briar," Bill offered easily as he went back to his sewing.

"Nigh'," Burt grunted, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the corridor wall moodily. Briar waved and called goodnight in return, before turning and following the odd group in front of her, watching in amusement as Fílí and Kílí teased Ori, while Elladan and Elrohir (Lord Elronds rather mischievous sons) teased the Royal Dwarrows. Ori just peeked back over his shoulder at her, with such a long-suffering look on his face, she couldn't help but giggle. Bidding her Dwarrows good-night, Briar padded down the hall to her own, separate room (and what a thing to get used to, after so many nights surrounded by the absurdly loud snoring of thirteen Dwarrows! The silence now was positively  _eerie_.). She bid the Elvish Twins goodnight, and requested that they wake her at dawn so she could keep her appointment with her Troll friends, before she finally retired for the night, to dream of fuzzy memories of her mother brushing her, then, long hair and singing in her deceptively deep and throaty voice, her father sitting beside her and humming along in his soft tenor, the contrast of their voices sliding together in a strangely beautiful harmony.

It was the best sleep she'd had since the beginning of this entire ordeal, and, when dawn came and she was gently shook awake by Arwen, Lord Elronds daughter, to sing to her Trolls, she wasn't very pleased at all. But, then again, seeing the way Tom's face positively lit up when she entered their makeshift cave, was definitely worth it.


End file.
